Just when you think the world can’t get any more trivial and juvenile (like the ongoing rows in both major political parties to which I say – in the manner of Michael Caine – just get on with the bloody job we pay you to do) something comes along to further gast your flabber.
A woman of old London town – and I promise I am not making this up – has begun recruiting staff for a cuddling agency. It seems she is responding to the great success of such bizarre organisations in – where else – America. The good people of the USA, when feeling down, can now cut along to one of these joints or summon a home visit and cosy up to a total stranger. The London lady clearly believes that we too would be mad for some passive pampered pawing.
No funny business mind. Put that right out of your head. The ‘cuddler’ and ‘cuddlee’ must be separated at the pelvic area by a cushion or pillow during the process. Of course, it’s not cheap and there is no mention of optional extras like a ‘there, there’ or ‘it’ll get better you’ll see’ or ‘don’t worry, the swelling goes down after a few days’. Patting on the back is probably part of the package, I expect.
We also learned that a ‘dusk to dawn’ cuddle can be organised for a suitably extravagant fee, although how two strangers could sit on a sofa cuddled up all night without a comfort break eludes me. Ugh.
It occurs to me though that an automotive version could go down quite well. A friend and colleague of mine has just suffered a catastrophic engine failure on his car. It really is no laughing matter and will cost the poor chap a packet. No doubt when the breakdown occurred he could probably have done with a cuddle. Anyone would.
Many of us have been in this position. Car breakdowns are a fact of life yet knowing that doesn’t really help. Although cars are undoubtedly more reliable than in the past the downside is that when they do break down it is likely to be considerably more expensive than in days of yore.
Modern technology means that it is almost certain that your car will have to go in for expert attention at a garage. Your engineer will look at the stricken vehicle and in the time-honoured fashion will suck air in over his teeth, shake his head in a gloomy way and give you a look of the sort usually favoured by funeral directors.
This is where an enterprising garage could add a modicum of personal service. Seeing your downcast face, your engineer could summon Len from the tyre bay who will also be a NVQ3 trained cuddling exponent. First wiping it on his overalls, he will put a meaty hand around your shoulders and murmur sweet nothings in your ever-reddening lug. The boss can then tack the cost onto your bill. There could even be easy terms.
Warming to this theme, the ‘we come to you’ car breakdown industry could add this as part of the service right there in your own home. Carefully laying old newspapers on the sofa, your mechanic could snuggle up, first placing a roll of old fashioned and hardly soiled cheese cloth between your respective pelvic personages for decency’s sake.
This cuddling idea is a winner and not just for car breakdowns. There are many reasons for wanting a cuddle and it could be a fab way of meeting exciting new friends! Geoff Maxted