DriveWrite Automotive

Dozy Is As Dozy Does

True tale: A man leaves the house early to catch a ride to work with a colleague. Over the previous few hours he unthinkingly has contrived to pocket not only his own set of keys but also those of his wife.

Each large bunch had the house keys and the keys to both of their cars. Thus his family are trapped in the house until another family key-holder comes to the rescue and also has to ferry them about. How anyone can leave home with two bunches of keys both about the size of a ship’s anchor and not notice is explained by one thing: he is a man.

It’s the same old story. Men in general tend to regard women as organisers, beloved wives or partners, shoppists, persons of desire and the like. Women tend to look upon men in the same way that they would regard, say, a Klingon; forever banging about noisily in space, generally making a mess and not really achieving all they set out to achieve within the time frame. In short, it’s the old equality conundrum.

Women continually battle for equality. It’s the final frontier as it were, spied through a glass ceiling; but at least there is one place where gender isn’t relevant and all are equally equal – our roads.

I have recently – and genuinely – been doing a little survey of my own. There is absolutely no science involved. As I drive a lot it follows that I see a lot and a lot of what I see is bad and the thing is, it transpires that either sex is as dozy as the other when it comes to motoring. It is as if when some folk drive they are not distracted by tedious thought. There is nothing going on in their heads at all. They are, like Klingons, on another planet.

Car makers might just as well stop putting indicators on cars, for example. It will help to make the motors more streamlined and sleek and will remove one of those irritating stalks from the steering column. They are superfluous. Nobody bothers any more. Leaving junctions or advertising your intentions, these are things that now routinely fail to trouble the dozy drivers on our roads.

The only time indicators sometimes come into play is when people want to change lanes. There are many drivers out there who believe that the very act of switching on the indicator means that, as if by magic, a large space has opened up for them to slip into. I have a dashcam file full of these events. Not of themselves interesting enough to post but hugely indicative of the lack of prescient thought on our highways.

I have also come to the conclusion that the cars I drive are actually invisible, especially at junctions and on roundabouts. The number of people who are either so dozy as to not notice a fast approaching vehicle or who have lost the ability to judge distances or who basically don’t give a monkey’s is growing every day.

And talking of roundabouts, how about the twits for whom a second magical right-turn lane suddenly appears on a single carriageway for their own personal use, thus saving themselves two seconds in a queue. I always make a point now of placing my vehicle dead centre to pre-empt such actions. They hoot and gesticulate. Who said driving wasn’t fun any more?

The right of way at traffic calming sites is ignored by Britain’s dozy drivers who firmly believe that the rule doesn’t apply to them because they need to save a further two seconds and that the car that’s almost upon them as they squeeze through will just have to slow down or stop. One day they will die believing that.

There are many other examples too numerous to include here. I’m sure you can think of plenty too. There are a lot of brainless, clueless, dozy individuals, male and female, out there and dozy is as dozy does, be it fiddling with a device or fiddling with hair in the rear-view mirror. Being dozy enough to take all the keys or forget you left a child in a restaurant (mentioning no names, Dave) is one thing. Leaving your peanut-sized brain at home when driving is entirely another. Beam me up. Geoff Maxted