Monday sees the start of this year’s annual Liberal Democrat conference in glorious Bournemouth. Remember the Lib Dems? They are that collection of naïve middle-of-the-road twitterers who got soundly trounced at the last election for being far too nice. Yet do you know what’s on the agenda for a vote? The appalling migrant crisis? Trident? No, it’s worse than that; much worse. It’s Mr Whippy and his diesel-powered van.
Remember those warm, lazy, drowsy summer afternoons, after school, when happy cherubic children would run laughing from their homes clutching a shiny sixpence (I go back a bit) as soon as they heard those first melodic chimes of the ice cream man’s van? Remember that first lick of an ice-cold collation of your choosing? Well, the LD’s want to put a stop to this sort of vile eco-vandalism. Mr Whippy has got to turn his engine off.
They haven’t really thought this through have they? If dastardly Mr Whippy turns off the motor then the ice cream machine stops too and children will return crying to their parents with a handful of lukewarm mush and Mr Whippy will be lynched in the streets by militant ice cream lovers who’ve got nowhere to stick their flake.
The trouble is you see, is that Mr W’s van is more than likely diesel powered and in the collective LD mentality they will see this as A Bad Thing – regardless of whether they drove from all across the land to conference or not. They would apply the same rule to similarly equipped fast food vehicles and even to the restless diesel trains waiting at the station. This is the Lib Dem way. Yes, we know diesel vehicles affect air quality, just as we now know that manufacturers might have been tinkering with the numbers, but most of us can see a bigger, global picture here whereby our outpourings of emissions are but a drop in the ocean. For pity’s sake think of the children!
They are not stopping there either because they’ve really got it in for those ice cream barons of the road. Not only has Mr Whippy got to turn the engine off, he has also to stop calling himself Mr which is far too gender-specific for the Lib Dems’ delicate constitutions. Just call him Whippy from now on if you don’t mind.
Our fence-sitting friends are to require that all official documents henceforth will show no indication of gender. No more of that Mr, Mrs, Miss, Mizz, malarkey; in future we will all be as one. Now I don’t know about you but I’m getting just a bit fed up with this nonsense. You get an official letter: It is signed by A. Person. You want to reply and you want to show polite form by addressing them by their title. You can no longer put Dear Sir or Madam because you simply don’t know. I mean, what’s the alternative? Dear A? Dear Person?
There’s been far to much of this relaxing of courtesies in my opinion. Mrs DriveWrite and I are getting fed up with being addressed as ‘guys’ for example by some pimply-faced youth in a shop or restaurant. We’re not Americans. If I wanted to be called ‘Guy’ I’d have long since changed my name to fucking ‘Guy’, wouldn’t I?
As with most of the political classes these Lib Dems have seemingly not learned by experience. They have been soundly whipped because of their adolescent, lilly-livered approach to issues at home and away. Seriously, LD’s, do you want to get elected? Ever?