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Traffic Officer DriveWrite – Road Warrior

I love driving but enough is enough. For a long time now I have complained and grumbled about driving standards on Britain’s roads but has anyone listened? No. Today I had to witness, within the space of twenty minutes, two incidences of driving idiocy. One of speeding and one of total carelessness. Both these thoughtless cretins clearly had other things on their tiny minds to bother about other road users.

Sadly, I had forgotten to install my RAC dashcam on the truly excellent and very safe Kia Sorento (pictured above – more on this in a while) this morning so no pics I’m afraid. It’s worth investing in a dashcam by the way for your own piece of mind especially when there are so many swivelled-eyed halfwits on the road.

I have decided to put myself forward as this country’s first Civil Traffic Officer. I require certain powers. I want the ability to stop any car I chose when I have decided they have committed a misdemeanour. (Flashing lights: I have to have flashing lights. Red would be good because it would distinguish me from the UK’s last remaining proper traffic cop and also because it’s more frightening).

I want to be fair about this. There must be an advance publicity campaign to warn drivers. If when pulled over they deny all knowledge it will be an unacceptable excuse. In fact all excuses will be unacceptable.

So, if you:

Think that putting on an indicator at the last minute means you can switch lanes or otherwise do as you please then you’re nicked chummy.

Believe that just because you are doing precisely 69mph you can sit in the middle lane of motorways with impunity then prepare to meet your nemesis.

Use a mobile phone or other device then it’s instant jail time for you – in a gulag.

Try to tailgate me and look menacing then soon you will understand the true meaning of demanding money with menaces.

Think that speeding and lane jumping is a good idea on urban dual carriageways then trust me it won’t last long before you’re T-packed by my posse of angry automotive vigilantes.

In short, break the rules in any way that risks other road users then your bottom is mine (I’m not sure what that means. It’s an American expression apparently).

I was explaining this to my wife and expanded upon the theme. She thought that fining someone because they had stupid, suspect ears was going a bit too far as was my desire to be armed. I was just having a more heated moment when I painted a picture of the streets of my neighbourhood being littered with confiscated vehicles when she gave me one of my pills and it all went black…


The fact is something has to be done. Our new Prime Minister wants a ‘different’ Britain which is the one thing, as a general concept, we all want. This means in one instance at least a country where the expression ‘road safety’ actually means something and is not just a couple of words that are paid lip service to. How about it Britain? Ready to start driving properly and with respect any time soon?

Our remaining cops are under real stress. In addition to their usual coppering they also have to contend with foreign gangs and other illegals. They simply don’t have the manpower to catch bad drivers; there’s not enough police to go around. How about it Home Secretary – another 2000 cops now? Geoff Maxted

Right. That’s that sorted. Now for the NHS…