Throughout history man has tried to make his life better by secreting technology about his person. Up to a point this has been fine but recently the science of wearable tech has snowballed and it seems like a day cannot pass without yet another crackpot invention.
From Google Glass (that went well didn’t it?) and fitness trackers to smart watches and fancy phones there’s a lot of it about.
Only this week though we hear of a new and hellish device, masquerading as male jewellery, that should send shivers down the spine of your average bloke. Some brainy bright sparks from Denmark have developed a new allegedly elegant ‘smart’ bracelet that allows an expectant father to feel the baby kicking in real time.
Thanks to a wireless connection between a patch the expectant mum sports on her bump and the device on the daddy’s over-exercised wrist, the bracelet is supposed to be able to accurately imitate the movements of a baby in the womb, thereby helping the father to feel more involved in the pregnancy.
Aside from the time honoured discussion that the chap has already done his bit, which I won’t get into here for security reasons (that’s my security btw) supposing he is busy doing important stuff?
Let’s say, for example, that he is in a car showroom browsing the stock when suddenly his wrist starts jangling. It could come as a shock and completely throw him of his chain of thought couldn’t it?
Didn’t think of that did you clever Danes with your bicycle lanes and off-shore wind farms? No. Anyway, others have tried it already with ‘pregnancy bumps’ and simulators for that inclusive experience and how many of them are we seeing about?
Supposing the supportive father is concentrating on the match or is midway through delicately navigating a scalding hot Pot Noodle? He might at that very moment be repairing the car or negotiating a deal with that nice blond girl down at the Porsche dealership who, he believes, really fancies him. These are not the times for his wrist to be leaping about as if it has a mind of its own. It could put him off his stroke.
Can you see where I’m going with this? Imagine if those dastardly Danes started further developing this new technology. The prospective dad is heading down to the pub for a swift one and his ‘contractions necklace’ puts a few hundred volts through him. Implants that simulate childbirth. Dashboard alerts with sirens. It’s science gone mad.
Still, I have to admit that it is only fair that the joyous event is shared. My wife has told me on previous occasions that there is some discomfort involved in the process of childbirth so I guess a fellow has to pull his weight. After all the next twenty years will bring enough financial pain of their own so there’s no sense grumbling. The truth is, being a dad is the best thing ever so we might as well help out.
After all, everyone likes a happy ending.
Finally, I remembering once hearing about a man who was in a car dealership morosely looking for a small family hatch when his wife suddenly rushed in shouting “SUV! SUV! It’s happened again”!